


inside a chaos of grey

by wadingpool



Series: Stories from Amnesty Lodge [5]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Danbrey is background, Depression, Duck is having a hard time, Emotional Hurt, F/F, Marijuana, Panic Attacks, Platonic Cuddling, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Esteem Issues, Slow To Update, Team Bonding, Team as Family, Trans Duck Newton, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-13
Updated: 2019-02-13
Packaged: 2019-10-09 18:34:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17412068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wadingpool/pseuds/wadingpool
Summary: It's what he's wanted since he was eighteen. Why is he feeling this way all of a sudden?





	inside a chaos of grey

**Author's Note:**

> Happy New Year! I'm back with some new TAZ shit after I listened to that one episode where they met with Heathcliff. I'm pretty behind ngl but I'll catch up soon. I've literally had this in my drafts for a whole ass month god damn.

Duck had never wanted to be the chosen one. He could never imagine himself as this savior of humankind. He was just him, a regular man. But fate had other plans and he was forced to carry his gift- no his  _curse_ , because despite whatever Minerva told him, he could not believe this was anything other than a curse that was thrust upon him. He could barely wake up some mornings without the prospects of spending time with friends or being around his little sister. He was Duck Newton, the guy that hung around Mr. Tarkesian's grocery store and smoked some pot and didn't have any plans for college. HIs mother would push him to study at least  _something_ , even going as far as calling him by his real name to convince him but Duck wasn't made for the huge crushing pressure of that much expectation. Duck's goal in life wasn't particularly ambitious and was more simple. He didn't want to go out of his way to do much. He was not lazy, but he was just a simple man. His goal was to enjoy  _simple_ , daily, and pleasant pleasures of life; be it some french onion soup, sharing a roach with Juno, or even just playing some Space Invaders at the arcade. Therefore, this announcement put a stop to the simple life he had envisioned living, leading him to garner some resentment.

Now, as he realized the powers he had granted were taken away from him, he was brought with the startling realization that he didn't know what to do. He used to not give a damn about his powers, used to just ignore them in hopes that maybe Minerva would just forget about this nonsense and leave him be. And she had until this fiasco had started a few months ago. Now, as he felt Mr. Tar- _Leo's_ \- fist punch into his abdomen, he felt as if the fist had made its way clear through his body, leaving a gaping hole where his stomach had been. As he puked in the tub, he felt ice crawl through his blood, freezing it and making his dry heaving shaky. He was practically useless to the team. They relied on him to be able to just bounce back after a hit and to be able to focus on their survival on these hunts. It had worked out in their favor almost everytime, the exception being what happened H2-Whoa. WHat was he going to do? He wasn't as strong or durable, he wasn't as athletic, he doesn't have magic like Aubrey or had Ned's charismatic quick thinking and weapon. He was a mundane man who was out for the count with one swift punch to the stomach. Leo was right- they were screwed. 

That had been two weeks ago. Duck had no idea how to break it to those in the Guard. In all honesty, he had only confided in Billy and Indrid, as he must have been bound to know anyway. As time clicked on, he felt more anxious at the thought of the next monster. What would he do? He was useless to the group. He had nothing remarkable to offer, Beacon was damaged and he wasn't strong. He would mostly get in their way.

He was in a small recliner that Ned had most likely brought in, curled up in the dark, trying to breathe through the ice that had settled in his chest, hurting with every breath and strange movement. It was as if a huge padlock was weighed in his very soul, reacting to the guilt he felt, growing heavier and heavier until he could swear he would break through the recliner and be pressed to the floor. He closed his eyes, trying to think of anything he could to try and release the buildup to no avail. He was too weak for the group.

_useless useless useless useless **useless.**_

He didn't notice someone had walked in until the lights had been flicked on and he flinched, trying to will stiff joints to move to stand up, try to get some semblance of control. Lie to himself and tell himself he was still useful, he could still do this.

He remained in the chair. He had never really been a good liar.

He looked up from the floor to see Aubrey and Ned. He can see Aubrey's concern, even with her glasses on and can see how Ned's eyebrows twitch minutely and his lips are slightly downturned, almost completely hidden by his beard. All of a sudden, he feels like the sixteen-year-old kid that wore baggy clothes to hide his body and treated it with disgust. He felt like the eighteen-year-old kid that had a responsibility he hadn't asked for placed in his hands in the form of a sword. He felt like the twenty-year-old man that's chest still pained him from surgery but was warmed by a french onion soup that fueled him to give a strange man the cursed sword he was given. He was scared, he was nervous, he didn't know what to do. It wasn't enough and he wasn't enough for this group. He was just useless.

He felt warm hands on his shoulders as he shook. He didn't look up. He knew who it would be. He had hoped they would just let him be, let him mourn his usefulness but as always, nothing ever went Duck Newton's way. He stared ahead, tears making their way down his cheek as he just sat there, letting Aubrey rub his shoulders and Ned put some pressure on his arm. He didn't even have the mental fortitude for this, either. He felt a large hand softly pat his cheek, and his eyes hesitantly looked up, gazing into a pair of clear eyes set in a slightly wrinkled face.

"Hey, kid. Stop with the blubbering. There's no need for that," his voice sounded gruff, but not unkind. Duck knew Ned wasn't used to this sort of thing. Ned wasn't one to share his feelings, being the quietest about them. Ned was a conman, he cared for them, both Aubrey and himself, but he wasn't used to this comforting, it seemed. Ned was just as lost as Duck was, and perhaps that made Duck feel a little better. "You're getting tears all over my new recliner! You know I paid a pretty penny for that!"

Duck had known Ned for far too long to know this was his way of trying to ground Duck. He aimed to maintain some normality. Duck could appreciate it. Aubrey patted his shoulder and with a soft voice spoke.

"You know we're here for you, right? We're not gonna drop you just because you're squishy. It just means we gotta work more smart about this whole thing, that's all. We got this. We've done fine for this long, you won't weigh us down." she reassured, giving him a soft smile. He didn't believe her much, didn't see any way he  _wouldn't_ mess things up for them, but he appreciated their sentiment. They were trying their best. He needed to try as well. He didn't need to drag them down with his issues any longer than he has so far. He gave a nod, thoughts finally straightening out. He would have to deal with this later, he thought to himself. He took a few minutes to get up, giving his team, his friends, a hopefully convincing smile.

He'd deal with it later, he told himself, as he observed their dubious looks but did not push.

Later.

He was never a good liar.

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to talk to me! i'm carnivalhueso on tumblr


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